So, week one into my…I AM beating this ´plan´!
I´ve never felt so in control, powerful, inspired, excited and scared all in one go. Its been a different week. For the first time in years I´ve not been counting calories like I have always done. The first few days, although I am still keeping an idea roughly so that I can make sure I´m always at least a few hundred over. Although on average each day I think i´ve had around 500kcals more than i´ve burnt.
I weighed myself this morning. I was terrified but told myself, whatever the result, you have achieved something this week. A week without letting calories control and dominate my mind. I had gained half a kg! My target! I was feeling happy but again scared at the same time. But I´m determined to carry on.
I have also been testing myself with doing things differently this week. Ie going for random drinks straight after work, slipping in extra calories like drinking some extra milk when making a cup of tea and so on, just drink and don´t think! Its the thinking that is the problem in this illness. I know my body needs it but my brain talks me out of it if i think.
At the start of the week I was sooooo tired, which I thought was strange considering I am consuming much more calories. Although, apparently this is normal since your body kicks in to repair overdrive using these calories to start repairing the damage. So the tiredness I take as a good sign.
My skin has also seemed to appear a little more softer. I know this possibly has something to do with water weight but this is another thing I like seeing since it makes me feel I am finally getting the nourishment I need.
I haven´t been worrying as much, because I am not counting calories, I am not doing multiple equations in my head or panicking if I can´t burn off the calories later because I don´t even know how many i´ve had!
I haven´t really seen and physical changes yet but realize this will take some more time.
Each day I have been eating different meals too. This is making my mornings a little more time consuming, although more enjoyable through the day because I look forward to a different meal :). I´m trying to base my meals around a good portion of healthy carbs like rice, potatoes or beans with salad or vegetables, protein usually chicken or fish and some fats either eggs with mayonnaise, olive oil, avocado or olives.
The through the day dried fruit, fruit, protein shakes or tins of tuna or if I fancy something chocolaty then…something chocolaty :).
Chocolate was never one of my ´fear foods´ because I always limited myself to a small bit every day, that way I never feared or craved it. My next challenge will be my fear foods which to be honest I don´t have as many as I used to since over the years I have been working getting over illness I have tested and challenged myself with previous fear foods such as pizza, bread, ice cream and so on and am not at a point that nearly all my fear foods are gone :). Although, I still have a few, my next challenge will be muffins. I remember times in England eating 4 large muffins in one go, followed by other cakes and then of course purging. Since then I have not had a muffin and only had cakes on birthdays, although the thought of cake being at birthdays still worries me.
I am seeing things a bit more clearly this week and have noticed that what I have thought for so long is fat, is simply just skin. When i eat a big meal or work out, my muscles or stomach stretch out the skin and I look…somewhat normal. Then I always think in the morning why have I become fat and why is everything saggy….its literally skin. There no fat, no muscle…just skin and bone. I only really notice this when I see other people and see the amount of fat they have and think…what was I thinking looking in the mirror thinking this skin is fat! This is when I have a reality check only when I see myself in comparison to other girls. The mirror still shows a different me, tricking my brain that this skin is fat. I am trying snap this out of my mind but its hard.
My mum and dad are coming next week and I still have the worry that another week of eating like this I will get fat and not want to go for meals with them etc. I need to stop thinking this too and enjoy the new experience of actually saying…yeh ok we can go to eat there…without thinking…ahhh but how many calories and how can I burn it off. To actually appreciate the time with my parents instead of thinking food food calories excersize….
I will write another blog next week to continue with my progress.