Understanding my actions and what this illness is doing to me…then realizing what i need to change.

rules
only eat planned food
no spontenaety
know the calories of everything and dont eat anything i dont know the calories of
always get over 100g protein and this is the priority nutrient
excersize and only eat if ive excersized. no excersize i dont feel like i should be eating or my body needs food since the reason to eat is to repair muscles.

things i do
check my body atleast a few times a day to see if ive gained weight
pinch the skin on my body and wonder if its fat
look at other girls bodies and wish i could be like that
from the minute i wake up to when i go to bed, plan food, meals and calories.
shop for food excessively.
over cook and prep food so that when i get starving its reasy and i amnot so anxious planning calories in my head when people are distrcting me trying to talk.
say i want to change and never make it happen
make my meals look very big with lots of quantity but know the calories are low because most is vegetables or salad.
avoid calorie high foods.
drink hot drinks and water excessively to feel full all the time.

what i am missing
social activities
fun times with friends
meeting a guy
sex
dancing sexy
buying clothes i want
going the beach
focusing my energy on other things such as learning spanish
my period, possibility of having kids
progression in anything in my life since all my focus is on this
dont laugh like i used to
avoid uncertain situations not planned

symptoms
knees always hurt
muscles in my legs always aching
balance terrible walking
no period
sever anxiety
un able to concerntrate
bruise so easily
head fog
always stressed
insomnia
bloated
someties shakey and panic attacks
feel like everyone is watching me
OCD
rush to do things and get agitated if people try talk to me when i am trying to focus on getting food or counting calories
no labido
freezing cold, unbareably cold in the winter
lots a lot of hair when this first stated

what i want
to be spontaneous
to be able to enjoy sport like i used to
feel sexy
have sex
dance again
focus my mind on achieving other things
enjoy peoples company more and be able to focus on conversations
to go the beach
to not plan
to buy the clothes i want
to try new foods
to not be anxious
to not be stressed all the time

what i am going to change
listen to my body
eat for health, enjoyment and energy
focus my energy on other things, hobbies, achievents, goals, simple things.
re-gain my curves
get back my periods
be more spontaneous
try new foods
not count calories
do sport for fun and health
relax more
take up yoga
learn the rollerblade
go for bike rides for fun
not check my body
realise that i am more than a number on a scale
not excessively buy or pre cook meals
not focus so much on protein
have a variety of different nutrients and vary meals each day

 

Get my life back


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