My strongest friend, the friend i trust so much, the friend I have listened to for so long and has been my closest and most supportive allie.
This friend has never left my side and has always reminded me what to do each day, how to act, to shut out other friends so the she could take prime place.
She acts in selfish ways sometimes, stops me having fun, spending time with other people and is very strict in her ways. Although, she reminds me its only because she has my best interests at heart.
She will make me perfect. Perfect at life, controlling the situations around me, my weight and appearance. If I listen to her I will have perfection in my life and remain in control at all times.
Weve grown together. Her presense, rules and selfishness has grown stronger over the years and we became inseprible.
I trusted her every word. Why would I need to listen to anyone else when I had her.
Recently I have been imagining a life withought this friend. What would I do in a day. What would I think. Who would I share my thoughts and feelings with. Almost un imaginable. I would be in control for the first time in so many years.
An exciting yet terrifying thought. What if I did things wrong. Lost control. Couldn’t cope.
We often have fights when I try to rebel against her rules. I want to be able to be more spontaneous. Free to make decisions for myself. Enjoy the time with friends and do the things people withought a friend like this do every day.
Last night was the fight of all fights. As I stood and looked at what this friend had done to me through her selfish ways.
She made my life an act, an act I have become so good at performing every day while she ordered the script and performance.
She took away so many opportunities. Opportunities to meet new people, try new things, laugh and make memories.
She took away my period, the ability for me to focus, gave me pain in my body, jonts and muscles. Ate away at my body until my ribs and veins showed so clearly through my skin.
She made me cold. So cold that I couldn’t bare to spend christmas with my family in england due to the unbarebly cold temperatures of which never used to effect me.
Enough is enough.
I have tried to escape this friend for around a year now after realising the negative impact she was having on my life. Although, it has now come to a case of being genuinely scared of the concequences of not breaking this friendship once and for all.
In the past I would always be anxious, concerned but never genuinely scared for my health.
Yesterday, I opened up to a different friend.
A friend that has also helped me in so many ways over the years.
This friend has encourged me with languages. Helped with advice on things I struggle with. Gave me so many funny memories. Always brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh.
Last night, I opened up to this person. Told him about the friend that I had been so trusting of for so long and the rules she had dictated on my life.
For the first time in a long time, the voice in my head softened. Grew weaker until almost silent.
I was listening to the advice and help my True friend was offered. No rules. Simply kind words, support and love.
As his voice started to dominate hers. I realized, If I keep opening up to true friends like this eventually she will be out numbered.
It won’t be just me and her as it has been for so long.
In realisation the closest friend, most trusted voice has taken so much from me and never given anything in return.
With the support of this friend, I actually feel like I may be able to fight her since in reality she is not my friend. She never has been.
She is in fact my strongest enemy. The enemy i’ve been too scared and week to stand up to for too many years.
She is Anorexia.
If we open up to the True friends. Real friends. The friends that have shown love, allowed us to be who we want to be withought selfish rules alongside, I think we can become a step further towards softening the voice of anorexia and finally hearing our own thoughts and voices taking her place.
If anyone dealing with this alone ever reads this, please speak to someone. A friend you can trust, a family member or someone you simply feel close and trustworthy of.
The longer the voice of anorexia stays in your head the louder she will become and the more your life and health will deteriorate. Work hard on standing up to her as early as you possibly can to take control of your life, thoughts and health.
She can be silenced. Although, as I have realized it takes a great number of battles, potentially over years to win the over all fight. However, with the support of my True friend and the fighting skills I have built up over recent months, I finally feel her voice fading.
Thank you Edu