So today has been an emotional day.
I didn’t sleep at all last night since I have a thought infection and have had a terrible headache making work so hard today. Plus I was on my own in the office which didn’t help.
Normally in times like this I would not focus and go back to my usual restrictive comfort zone since I would feel, if i have no energy to enjoy the food because I am so tired…why eat. Plus I didn’t have the energy to move or walk much…so more reason not to eat.
However, I am in this now and I am not stopping.
So once again, no exercise, barely moved from my desk all day, not even a walk around the office block outside on my break and managed 2100 Kcals. Any more and I would have been sick since i was still so full from the big dinner I made last night.
Although, tomorrow back up to the usual 2300-2500 kcals or more if I can!
I also had a bit of a break down in work and finally told my boss at work about my anorexia. We talked for around an hour, cried, shared life stories and it felt amazing to finally let it out to someone who has known me and seen my rules, habits and illness over the years without knowing the reasons for the things I do but admitting a lot of how i was now made sense to him.
Letting it out if also making me feel more accountable for following this through. The rules set by anorexia are becoming more out in the open and its almost like it is not me fighting it alone anymore.
Its the weekend in two days and I plan to challenge myself with new things, spend it having fun, with my best friend and flat mate Nuria :). Not to worry about calories, worry about weighing myself next week because my goal i clear now, weight gain and I know I have had a good amount of calories so why should I be scared of a bigger number. This should be celebrated! Maybe we will try out the rollerblades I have had sat in my cupboard all summer and either cook a really yummy meal with her or go out to eat, we will see. Either way there will be challenges and I am ready for them!
Bring it on!