Yesterday was a challenging day. But I went into it with determination and despite feeling stuffed..I am feeling another step closer to recovery.
As mentioned in previous posts, I have been settings certain challenges throughout the weeks and intended to do no more than one a day or a few a week depending on how I felt.
Yesterday, I set the goal of facing the fear of cakes, muffins in particular. After a nice lunch of spaghetti, tomato sauce, vegetables, salad, prawns etc I decided to go for the muffin. I did it and felt a little anxious after it but not too worried.
However, later on in the afternoon I started to get very anxious and it seemed all I could think about was the muffin I ate. When my flat mate then suggested getting a pizza for dinner my anxiety went into overdrive. However, instead of making the usual excuses i told her, now shes knows my problem, that i was very anxious and didn´t know if it was too much for one day. After speaking with my dad online that evening, he said, Sal, you need to do it, so without thinking i said, yep ok order the pizzas. At that moment my anxiety softened slightly. It was although the anxiety was more caused by the panic of should I or shouldn´t I. What will happen if I do etc.
We enjoyed the pizza together, although Nuria ate the whole of hers, I was still quite anxious and only had half. The other half I put in the fridge for the next day.
I went to bed after and kept thinking about the pizza. As I looked at my self and how I could still see my bones, yet why do I feel bad for eating a pizza and a muffin in one day. I worked myself up to going to the fridge and finishing off the pizza because I felt I could of eaten more, but I couldn´t do it.
Instead I went to bed with a pint of milk to try and make up more calories despite knowing I could get the same calories from another slice of pizza.
So, although I feel I achieved something yesterday, it will still take more weeks of repeating challenges, pushing myself again and again until I get to the point where I eat the whole pizza, no guilt, no worries and finally eat until I am satisfied, full and not for a case of thinking it may potentially ruin my next day by needing to restrict or being anxious.
Tomorrow is weigh in day. I am nervous because I have no idea what it may say. I still feel my bones, my ribs still show, everything appears the same other than my stomach a little softer. Mentally I feel I am getting closer although maybe I need to up the calories even more! Tomorrow we will see.