Day 22 re-feeding

This weekend has been filled with challenges and I feel good because of this. Although, in the weigh in today I was still the same!! 46.6.

the past week I upped my calories after the weight didn’t increase so everyday I have been having 2500 minimum and some days a bit more. It has been hard and some days i’ve felt so full and have had to ditch the everything healthy idea since its quite hard to get that many calories from super healthy food. So, I have been topping up the calories and in addition facing some fears with extra biscuits, chocolates and higher fat foods.

This week I faced my fear of baking. I have not baked in years! I made multigrain muffins. I made three and saved the rest of the mix in the freezer. Since I challenged myself the other week with muffins for the first time in years, since these were a healthier version, it actually felt a lot less scary and i had one the first day and two today :). Testing myself seems to be getting less scary the more I do it and am starting to feel that nothing would worry me too much now. Although, I will need to see for the rest of the fear foods I have but just try and repeat them until they feel comfortable. But I am feeling a lot more optimistic :).

Physically, I have started to notice my hip bones aren’t protruding as much any more and although I know some it water weight, my legs are looking a little more shapely some days. This is encouraging me :). Although, I am confused about the changes I think I see physically and no weight gain. This is my reason for thinking this is water weight because it only takes a bit too much walking and I feel I look too skinny again.

I also felt a bit down today. I was so bored. A little frustrated I hadn’t gained weight despite feeling stuffed and fat even some days. A friend asked to meet them and usually I would let my feelings like this stop me from going out and keep overthinking how bad I felt about myself and this situation. Then I started writing my ”my life in 5 years recovered or not recovered” blog and as I was writing started thinking…you are letting the anorexia thoughts back in to your head again and how you act. Stop thinking and go meet your friend. So I stopped thinking, despite looking pregnant because of how full I was, I put my shoes on and just went. We had a great chat, relaxed, practiced languages and I came back feeling so much better.

Sometimes we need to just not think and do. Prioritize other thoughts, don’t worry or think about how I will feel after. Just to think I want to do that, so I will do it now. Simple.

So despite not gaining weight…again :(….I feel some progress has been made again with my mental mind set and feeling more comfortable around food and more situations and scenarios. Although, next week I will be upping the calories again and challenging myself more :).

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