I am now 4 weeks into the re-feeding and since increasing calories again this week (on average 2650+ a day) I think I may actually be starting to notice some changes :)!
Changes in my body, my mind and anxiety. Although I am still very up and down. Some days feeling even more anxious than before I started this. Other days not a care in the world. However, before starting the process, I was a constant level of anxious, no variety in the routine, rules, plan for the food structure or feelings.
-I can actually pinch a bit of fat on my stomatch! I have been pinching at skin for years seeing this as fat although my bones and veins were so visible through this…how could I have thought this was fat. Now I a actually seeing it…strange to say but I am feeling more human and less alien.
-This week I have started to see the first signs of my legs taking a little more shape. The veins at the back on my knees, muscles and joints are coming less visible and my bum (with the fact I have not done exersize in 4 weeks) is looking a little more fuller :).
-My nails have grown for the first time in years! I have had more time recently with being sedentary so have been paining them in the last week and love them hehe.
-My skin (after the initial spot breakout) is starting to look fresher and glowy.
-However, the night sweats are here and stronger than ever!
One of my colleagues at work today actually made the first comment….”have you been going the gym Sal? Your arms look more toned”. I laughed and actually said, ”no I don’t go to the gym anymore”. I left it at that before going into the conversation to much to avoid triggers or effecting my mind set with the possibility of making me stop at this point. I still have a long way to go to be at a healthy weight….a very long way. So I don’t want any positive comments to make me question this.
To have a healthy BMI of 21 (between 21 and 23 is ideal and what is normally needed to gain back your periods) I will need to gain around 10kg or more (20llbs aprox) and even at this point I may need to go a bit further to repair all the damage and get my period back. Hence why possible comments when I am still 10kg off where I need to be are NOT helpful.
-The majority of days I am worrying less. Anxiety has reduced for the majority although I still have some days where anxiety is extremely high.
-I don’t feel everyone is staring at me anymore. I even think sometimes people are looking at me in a more positive way maybe instead of the ”omg anorexic girl”.
-I have noticed less strange looks towards my legs. I used to get very strong stares from men and women because they almost became a wierd shape because of how skinny they were.
-I am actually thinking about sex more haha.
-I am feeling a little more womanly and dare I say it maybe even getting closer to even feeling a little sexy on some days. Not quite as little skinny boy as I used to feel every day. Even my breasts are starting to get a little bit of something again haha. Still small as I was never big in the past, but this is also making me feel more girly.
-I am laughing, making jokes and smiling so much more at work, with friends and just being :).