My weight went up! 47.6kg (7 Stone 4.9llbs) today.
Although, my emotions are really all over the place at the moment. I am feeling ore scared, anxious and irritable than ever. I have continued with 2500 Kcals every day because i feel anymore and tart to feel a bit ill. Although there were two days I had around 3000 and the day after felt i had a very bad stomach etc. However, after going to england next week,i do want to try and increase it a little more maybe slowly by every 2 or 3 days adding another 100kcals until i get used to 3000. But I don’t want to be feeling ill for my holiday next week, so continuing on the 2500 minimum.
To explain my reasons for wanting to increase this even though I a gaining at a steady weight 0.5kg (average a pound a week), I have been told by doctors and also through research that when our metablosisms are so suppressed, sure it is possible to gain on this about 2500, just like it was for me to gain a pound a week when i first went from 700kcals to 1000 a day in a week! Crazy, if i ate that now id drop probably two pounds a week doing none of the exersize i was doing along with it! Therefore, it is important to eat ABOVE the minimum acceptable which is between 2500-300 to get metablosim up to normal so the body can relax and not only focus on the weight gain(that is of course needed) but also put the extra calories to internal damage, restoring bodily functions that were shut down to protect us when we were in starvation mode. So,since the first priority is to restore fat stores (the largest hormone producing organ in the body) if there aren’t more calories on top of this for the other issues to be addressed, we can end up in quasi recovery where by weight is restored, but still no period or the other biological function working the way they should if never starved.
So, I plan to focus more on the mental side of things over the next week in England. Saying yes, not planning around food, eating meals I am made by my family, if they have a treat, why cant I 🙂 and just genuinely enjoying the time how it should be, although ensuring i always meet the minimum levels and don’t get distracted and let it drop.
Then when i return, up we go.
I think i have come to realize that my body doesn’t tolerate high fatty foods well so I am going to focus more on carbs.
One of the biggest changes I have noticed in the way I am viewing food is my almost complete stop in counting protein content. I am not counting macros anymore and if I need energy, I grab carbs instead of protein now….which of course is the logical thing to so since crabs provide energy!
The re-feeding belly has well and truly hit. Although I expected this from the research and advice I have been given.
I am also feeling very dizzy a lot, headaches, up and down emotions and hot and cold flushes a lot which i’m finding hard to deal with.
I feel in a state of doomed if i do but doomed if i don’t. I just want to feel empty again. But i Know I have come this far and can’t stop now.
I also feel extremely sleepy a lot and wish I could just sleep all day and get this over with. My skin is tingling as its stretching and this is disturbing me and making me more anxious.
Although, I had my first Spanish lesson at work yesterday and unlike the last time I tried them last year (when I had been eating around 1300Kcals a day every day for over a year, which was built up from 700 the previous year!) I actually had the energy to fully focus and enjoy the lesson. I plan to make this my goal and focus now! I will attend lessons twice a week and its my challenge to become fluent by the end of the term (June 2019).
I am also noticing I am focusing so much more at work. As mentioned in my previous post, my ”strive for perfection” attitude I am pouring into my work now…not my weight and body image! And, I actually think this month I have improved the quality of my work immensely. I am thinking outside the box, not just doing what I have always done and thinking, how can I really show what I can do here.
I also haven’t done any form of exercise since staring this 35 days ago, which I think is effecting my mood some days because I do love to get out, ride my bike and be more active. Although, I don’t want to put my body through more stress than its already going through.
To be able to ride my bike again, walk, run and enjoy a big Paella after speaking fluent Spanish while wearing a killer bikini (with a glass of sangria in hand hehe) are making me motivated to KEEP GOING. This is the toughest part. Our bodies are changing so much and to look in the mirror and see (what my anorexia malnourished brain is telling me is me becoming fat) is something my healthy nourished brain will look back on in a few more months time and say you smashed it girl…you beat that bitch now go prove what other challenges you can achieve in your new STRONG healthy body and mind! And for this…..I just can’t give up.
Sometimes we have just got to go through the storm to get to the calm waters on the other side. This is what I have to keep reminding myself everyday.