After getting back from England, I felt my emotions, body, thoughts and anxiety all out of control again. I was struggling to think again. Its like my focus, motivation to get better, new considerate, positive, funny personality had just evaporated over night. A strange feeling to go from feeling invincible on a positive high that finally I had recovery within my reach and power to come crashing down to a feeling of uselessness again. How could this happen?
The first few days of what I am now calling ”stage 2 re-feeding”, as I feel the break in England was a relapse and the weight did drop this week, were hard. I was still feeling a little negative although not as much as I had felt in England. But the insecurities as to whether what I a doing (was right) and doubting my abilities to ever do it. The physical discomfort, thoughts about should I or shouldn’t I eat that etc were there again and anxiety ramped up again. Although as I stuck with it (back up to 2200/2300 kcals every day this week, I have started to see these symptoms start to soften again as they did at the start of my re-feeding plans over 6 weeks ago.
Although, one thing different I have noticed this time is the extreme hunger symptom (which was one of my biggest fears the first time round) has not been present at all this week! I have however been taking a slightly different approach and trying to focus a little more on the spontaneity aspect and listening to my body.
This weekend was great. Spontaneous, no worries, just going with the flow. I thought about what I wanted to do, not what food schedules would allow me to do and just improvised. I ended up having a date on Saturday because of this (which went quite well) although after going out with Nuria on the Saturday night, I met a guy that I thought wow. Normally I don’t get the feeling when I meet someone that this person I want to know everything about and get excited about seeing them again. Because I have been single a long time, my first thoughts are often, wellll i like this and potentially if he could be more this, I could possibly like him more in the future…with the hope I could settle and things could develop. Not with this guy. He was so intelligent, friendly, we shared so much in common, his eyes had me in a trance and he has asked me to meet again either tonight or tomorrow for a drink :).
I also had a great day walking in Parc Guell with a long time friend from work. We laughed, talked, walked and it was a really nice day. Normally, I would of rushed back since it ran well over lunch time. We were out from 12pm (I had breakfast at 11) and were out until 5 pm. I was pretty hungry when I got home so made a nice big lunch and luckily I had a nice big breakfast and had apples etc in my bag too but wasn’t that hungry for them. Luckily I only stook to one big vodka (spanish measures are like an english tripple) the night before so was able to enjoy the whole weekend not hungover hehe.
So, this mentality of spontaneity, not worrying and enjoying life along with my health improving are my biggest goals in this and I have now realized that I am stronger than I have been in the past. We will always have relapses in many things. Times we feel low and feel like…is it worth carrying on. I am hear to tell you. YES is most certainly is and after proving to yourself you can do it once when you never thought you could, gives you even more motivation and determination to drag yourself out of that hole of a relapse and back up to the surface where things become clearer again.
I know what I want and what I need to continue doing. I feel its now only a matter of time, consistency and new habits. Staying positive, enjoying the people and life around me and getting closer everyday to a more permanently happy, worry free, healthy me :).