The main reason I want to recover from anorexia is to get my life back. feel fit,healthy, free socially and mentally.
To be able to have the energy and no worries through the day to be able to focus my energy in to people,experiences,learning and doing what I love.
The biggest thing that stops me doing this is the rules. calorie counting. I have found even when eating a lot to gain weight, the control and calorie counting is there because I need to make sure I have had enough for the weight gain.
However, these days I still feel mentally bad because the control is still there, worry that I haven’t had enough etc etc. So the main reason for doing this can’t be done anyway because I am still avoiding social situations for feeling too full and bad about it, or feeling i need to get home quick to eat more to meet the target.
I am sick of this.
The week I didn’t count calories, I lost weight I know. But I had the best week in a long time. Full of laughs, stress free, no worries, no avoiding anything or anyone and no pressure.I just ate what I wanted and majority of the time, that wasn’t high calorie or fatty foods. But a couple of the nights I did have chocolate with friends at night, alcoholic drinks etc and it felt great. Not eating for rules or strategy. Not avoiding anything either. Just eating/drinking what I fancied at the time then stopping when satisfied regardless of the calories I may have over or under eaten.
So, this is it. From today. I DON’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. I am normal. I am going to forget yesterday and not worry about tomorrow. Listen to my body (but add extra high calories in sneakily). Enjoy riding my bike to work a few days a week, which I have stopped myself from doing in this pursuit to gain weight. Eat for nutrition and enjoy food again.
In the past food was a threat. Now its become a forced mission which I don’t feel is helping mentally.
I feel I am going round in circles although I know slowly getting closer to being recovered. Although could the answer be as simple as to forget, just live and see what happens? Who knows.
All I do know is my head has been too full of numbers for too long and it is tired.