Weigh in today 48.7KG (7.6stone).
Was a bit surprised by this. Scared, happy, upset all in one.
I am starting to really notice my body change now. Although this has been gradual which has made things easier. And yesterday, I couldn’t believe it when I actually tried on a pair of jeans, and they fit!
I have been size 4-6 for so many years. In most shops I still am a size 6 or XS although there is one shop in BCN that are know for quite small versions of their sizes. However, even here I was always a 6. Well yesterday I went shopping to get some new winter clothes since its starting to get colder and knowing that I still had some weight to gain, picked up size 8 jeans (36EUR size) expecting them to hang off me as in the past. OMG they fit. Haha I was so shocked. There still a little room ie they weren’t tight which I prefer at the moment since I still have some weight to gain. But to finally see a difference and be able to buy bigger clothes felt great.
I am starting to get very used to eating regardless of being hungry now which is worrying me. Some days I feel I could eat everything in sight, others more normal. But on average I think I am having around 2100-2300Kcals a day.
I think to meet the energy levels I need and feel satisfied I naturally crave around 1900-2100Kcals a day. So I am thinking, this amount makes me feel full of energy, happy, not deprived in any way. So my plan is to keep this amount consistent (2000) regardless as habbit. And if some days I need extra then to have this. But since the focus for me now is energy and living this should be consistent.
-I am starting to see more curves in my hips.
-When I eat a lot of carbs I suddenly appear much more curvy, this is clearly water weight and my muscles sucking up the carbs.
-Not caring as much about how much I am eating or feeling the need to ”test/challenge” myself anymore.
-I am eating what I want, when I want. And often this is a balance between super healthy meals (ie lentills/beans salad with chicken, average healthy (ie pasta with a tomato sauce) and very rarely will i crave something such as a pizza.
-Around 80% of what I crave is always nutritious and healthy, therefore I am not feeling bad for having some chocolate or something not healthy anymore because I know my body always craves the good stuff without me trying to control this.
-The reason I am not ”testing” myself anymore is that this should be about what I want, reality and the real word. Not testing what I actually don’t want to eat and will just make me feel ill. Its similar to the way of thinking keep testing cigarettes as a younger imature teenager just trying to fit in to become a smoker when you hate smoking and it makes you feel bad after it. Haha…extreme example there but its similar. Because of my crohns disease, if I eat a super un healthy meal or 2 slices of cake…my stomach wants to kill me haha. So, if I feel a craving…yep I will have it. But I don’t feel the need to push this on myself anymore.
-The thing I genuinely do crave over things like bad food (which typically i don’t crave)…only chocolate ;), is alcohol. Haha, although the day after…my body also hates me for this haha. But its still not often I have a nice social drink and not worry about the calories. So, I want this to start becoming more normal for me. Not to get drunk..but just enjoy a sangria on weekends in the afternoon or a drink after work more often.
-Everything is looking softer, less boney and I am feeling a bit less fragile.
-I would not be self conscious to go out in a low cut top or show my arms anymore in public….although its too cold for that now haha.
I have sent some emails this week, asking again about starting therapy but not had much luck in responses. Will keep trying with this since I feel I would actually benefit from it now as I am starting to think more clearly.
I also have an appointment with the gynecologist in a few days so hopefully some progression may have developed there.