I know its been a while since I wrote a blog on this, but I feel ive just been toooo busy! haha. good busy :).
Weigh in today 49.3kg. Slightly up but not a lot for over a month.
Although, I am taking things a bit slower now and have also started back at the gym a couple of weeks ago. No not to loose weight, I have never been the gym in 4 years to loose weight…always the goal to gain and get stronger. Although for the first time in years…I actually feel myself getting stronger these last few weeks.
I a fueling my workouts for the first time. 400Kcals before the gym (oats and a protein shake) and the same after (oats and chicken). Then another protein shake at work, a BIG lunch of spaghetti, chicken or fish, mayo, salad. Then another protein shake and some fruit before coming home. Then dinner usually something like sweet potatoes, fish, mayo, veg etc. Workout days around 2200Kcals which I feel I need! Other days less than this, but listening to my appetite more now. If ever I am hungry…its out of my habbits to not eat..Now….a glimpse of hunger and I eat! But sometimes I am not hungry…I make myself eat. This is the opposite of what I used to do.
I notice that my anxiety happens more when I worry I have not eaten enough, not the opposite. I had this conversation with Nuria the other day and she said, most people feel anxious they ate too much not the opposite, which I know is true. But I think making bigger meals full of carbs has helped with this because I know I will be full for hours after. Not like the small meals I used to have and within 2 hours I was starving again and the whole panic of what to eat again or if I should eat would set it.
Pros and Cons of the last weeks since starting back at the gym.
When I workout I do become more focused on nutrition and worry I have not had enough.
I start feeling the need to weigh food again.
I focus more on protein than I would if I were not training. Although now I also have a massive focus on carbs which I never had before.
It consumes some time.
Its my time to be social in the morning. My friends work mornings and have made some friends at the gym since starting.
I go to work feeling like superwoman and like I achieved something at the gym so carry this through the rest of the day.
My body is starting to feel stronger.
Its my hobbie, sport, I love it. And there are many other people who love it the same as me. The thing I need to differentiate between is the passion for sport and the obsessive eating and fitness obsession line. When the line is drawn is still not something I am completely aware of but think I am learning.
I like being healthy and doing sport. But, I need to stop myself from becoming obsessed with this again.
Steps I feel I have achieved towards a more healthy relationship with sport and food.
-I would never workout with people in the past. It was like I was so focused and got agitated easily that I could only workout alone. I knew at the end of the workout I would be so weak and needed food so any distraction to this made me so anxious.
Now, I love the guys at the gym haha. We have laughs, chat spanish (so I get some morning practice). They share tips and I leave feeling worked hard but not as if I am going to pass out through starvation! My belly still has some fuel left :).
-Meals were so strict and wouldn’t change. Having a meal with someone at the same time I wouldn’t do. I needed to be alone or it was just anxiety panic. Mainly because by the time it came to meal times, I was so starved, I just needed to get the meal down me and didn’t care for any social aspect.
-Me and Nuria have visited some of the fresh food markets and eco natural food shops. This to me is like being in a candy shop as a kid. Surrounded by fresh fruit veg haha. We both get excited about what yummy things we can experiment cooking.
-The thought of going for meals would worry me because I would feel the need to eat and fit in with what everyone else was having.
-I still feel a little anxious about this. Although, since the trip to England where Lucy told me…just order what you genuinely want, whether thats fish and chips, salad or whatever…everything’s normal. I am becoming less anxious about this. Especially in Spain, 90% of the menu I love and is full of healthy stuff I love. This is what I want and enjoy so can have this and still be social.
-I used to crave sugar like a cray person!
-I have noticed since making my meals bigger with good carbs pasta, potatoes etc, I hardly ever crave sugar now which is strange for me. Everyday I used to have something chocolate (little of course) now I often go all week without something and then if I fancy it one day, I know I can. I tend to go for the fruit now if I have a sweet craving.
-Everything I did used to be such a rush filled with anxiety.
-Now I am trying to relax my mind more. Focus on the task of the present. If I am working out, focus on giving my all. If at work, focus on giving my all. If with friends, focusing on them and laughing with them. I am getting more and more used to acting this way and rarely find myself rushing around panicking now. The odd day or two yes especially if I am short of time, but not a daily thing.
Things to work on.
-Continue doing the things I love such as more creative things at work for the events I plan, team bonding and activities to bring the team together more.
-What my body can achieve as it gets stronger at the gym.