18th February 2019

Just got back from England today.

Such a great weekend. I surprised my Dad for his birthday and had such a nice time catching up with them and my friends :).

For the first time in 6 years being in England, I actually felt like somewhat of a normal eater. I did my food diary as I said I would. But have no idea how many grams of protein, macros, fat, carbs etc I had and am not even sure of the calories because for the first time in years I wasn’t counting.

I was listening to my appetite. Eating randomly. Enjoying food and the birthday cake and it wasn’t scary.

Cake scares the hell out of me because it would be the thing I would go seriously overboard on 4 years ago when I had bulimia. I knew there would be birthday cake at my Dads party and this worried my slightly beforehand but i knew I had to do it and wanted some! So, I had a normal slice, like everyone else and didn’t want or need more. But the biggest change is I didn’t think about it afterwards. I didn’t feel the need to cut down the next day or make up for it somehow. I was genuinely hungry, so I ate and stopped when I felt satisfied. NORMAL.

I then tried not to worry about any other food I was eating and took a minute to think what do I actually want, not what I think I need to eat to meet a certain requirement, number of calories or keep the feelings of ”safe”. It was random, sometimes fruit, others chocolate, cake, cheese and ham toasties, vegetables with mum’s steak stew.

I tried to eat different things since I am so used to eating the same food over and over again at home. The same calories regardless of whether I am hungry or full. The same priority of protein being the most important thing regardless of if I actually just need some energy. The same time frames to eat etc.

It was so refreshing. Not to worry. Not to be counting frantically in my head. To enjoy food. Taste different things and most importantly to be able to focus on why I was there. To see and enjoy time with the people I love the most.

I was calmer, more considerate, less stressed and genuinely enjoying myself for a change than putting on an act over the thoughts, anxiety and thinking about the tomorrow in my head.

I was also so sedentary while I was in England which is not like me. I find this a bit boring since I do love sport. But since the over exercising is also an issue that I have, I thought it was a good idea to try and be a bit less active for a change to and still eat normally to realize that its not always a case that I can only eat what my body craves or not super healthy when I have worked out.

However, since being back home tonight, I am feeling a little anxious again and felt the need to do a weight training session when I got home. Although, I am considering quitting the gym since it seems to be becoming my main priority again and dominates what I eat and I loose focus of anything else that matters.

I want to get to a point where I am doing workouts intuitively. When I want to, like with eating. Eating what I want not what I feel I should. Doing sport or workouts when I want not when I feel I should or prioritizing it over other things I would rather be doing. Sport being a fun addition and hobbie in my life. Not my sole purpose and obsession that comes above everything and anyone else. So, that’s my plan to see how that goes.

Lighter workouts at home when I want.

Practicing rollerblading and sports with friends at the weekend that we have talked about for so long but I have always put off because I felt too sore after heavy weights at the gym all week.

Listening to my body and what it is actually asking for.

Trying new things and keeping things different and spontaneous.

My dad also chatted to me this weekend and wants me to go back to counseling but privately this time so I can get an English speaking councilor. I have contacted some tonight and want to try it again.

I am feeling positive and optimistic but also somewhat scared and anxious again because I know there is such a fine line between me feeling at rock bottom again and letting the control, obsession and living my life around these numbers again and from me feeling normal. I kind of realize now that it will always be somewhat a bit of a fight to stay on the right track and will always have these ups and downs. But I have to realize that I am becoming more aware of my triggers, and building better coping mechanisms the more time goes on. And hopefully I will soon get to a point that I feel comfortable with even more situations and feel at a good point to not feel worried or doubt my capabilities to keep persisting with this.

Things I think have helped these past 2 weeks.

Writing a food diary as appose to calorie counting.

Trying different foods and listening to my appetite more.

Not weighing myself as frequently.

Not going to the gym.

Doing workouts at home has been fun and I have had more time for other things.

I have also not been as sore so I have been able to have fun with friends last weekend rollerblading and walking.

The thought of going for a meal next week (suggested by one of my friends) is actually exciting me for the first time in so long because I feel if I am not counting macros and calories there are no strict rules as to what I eat, what time we eat etc. I will just pick what I fancy depending on my appetite. simple.

I am not feeling as stressed that I have to plan out all meals and do mountains of food prep for the whole week because my plan is to mix things up a little.




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