23rd February

🙂 heyy.

haha. So today wanted to do a bit of writing to check where I am up to since things seem to be a bit more on track again.

I contacted a therapist as my Dad persuaded me to when I was back in England last week and am feeling so optimistic and excited to see her. She is native american and seems lovely. I will start with 1 session ever week for the next 5 weeks or so, then if I feel ready change this to 1 session ever 2 weeks for a couple of months. Then decrease accordingly and see how everything goes. She has a lot of experience in treatment for eating disorders so I can’t wait to start.

For the last 12 days I have been continuing with my food diary and listening a bit more to my body as appose to just calories. Because its second nature to me, I have found myself estimating calories still a little, although if I feel hungry…I am eating! And eating what I fancy which I am noticing this is usually quite different each day. Therefor some days I have had more, others less, some days lots of sugar :/ haha, other days super healthy. It makes a refreshing change to the boring set meals, same food, cramming in food when i’m actually not hungry and starving through periods I could of done with eating.

I have been making my dinners up and taking them to work as usual in case i get hungry before i get home, but usually I am not too hungry but by the time I get home (because i have not been sleeping well the last few days) the thought of a big meal when I got home simply didn’t seem appetizing, so a few nights I just had more snack time stuff, crackers and ham etc and then woke up starving and enjoyed a massive breakfast haha. Really this makes more sense, why eat when i don’t want to and deprive myself when I am crying out for energy and food. So, my focus is more on this now and I think I am adapting ok so far.

The last week I have also had a bit of a re-think as to my priorities and getting these straight along with my thinking. I had a chat with my manager as she has noticed I have been loosing a bit of focus again at work since the amazing results I had towards the end of last year (when i started to re-feeding and my energy levels were the highest they had been in years, also no worries about food). So the last week after this chat, I have been trying to focus all my thoughts on to my work and am going home feeling like I smashed it! :).

I know what I am capable of in my work and life if only I have the energy, brain space (not filled with food and exercise thoughts constantly) and focus. So, back to constant reminders of my priorities since what I am actually prioritizing is taking away from all other things that actually mean more to me!

With the rough patch and confusion I also went through in the last few months with Dan, I also think this has made me loose a bit of focus since when I feel down and things aren’t in control, I turn to controlling and restricting food again, excessively exercising to feel i am in some way in control. Although we are still talking, I have been thinking a bit clearer about this topic also and feel a bit stronger with this now. In my opinion, now may not be the best time for him with work etc and lack of time. But as I have said above, its about priorities and if I am not a priority to him right now then why should he be mine.

So, back to focusing on helping myself and spending my time with the people that I love and care for me as I do them.

Setting out my priorities.

Work.

I love my job and know my capabilities if I continue to stay focused and push myself in this.

Sport for fun.

Tomorrow me and my closest girl friends have our first ”girls rollerblading sunday” haha which we plan to do each sunday. I have wanted to do this for so long, just fun, sport, time with my friends and am excited to get silly haha.

Learning to listen to my body better and getting into this habit more.

I have been doing this over the last few weeks and am getting better at it. Although a habit of 4 years restricting and knowing the calorie and macro nutrient count of every single food out there still makes this a little hard. But…I will keep persisting till I get there!

Cutting down weighing to 1 every 2 weeks for now.

Instead of weighing myself every week, I am going to try and reduce this further to 1 every 2 weeks, then possibly longer ie 1 every month after this. I think its normal to occasionally do it to to keep on track that I haven’t lost weight or become huge after a long time etc like I think most normal people have an idea. But to worry and think about it all week is something I could live without. Providing its roughly the same give or take a pound or 2 each month, thats fine with me! (after getting to my higher goal weight that is). Because last time I didnt weight myself for a year when this all began, thats when I lost 3 stone! Because I simply didn’t notice it and thought I felt fine, but in reality my health was deteriorating and I thought I was eating normally…this couldn’t be further from the truth.

I also think I don’t get as anxious when I am not weighing myself and anxiety is something I have so much and hate it.

Therapy.

This is a big priority for me at the moment and I am excited to get started in 2 weeks with the first session.

Reminders to myself.

You want a period and a child one day – stay at this weight with NO period, over 4 years now….aint gonna happen.

You want to enjoy walking as much as you used to because it clears your mind and relaxes you…..your legs are still aching all the time get so anxious just walking outside from work because you think everyone is staring at your skinny legs….get some curves back!

You want to go to the beach/spa/pool with friends and wear a gorgeous bikini….Your so self conscious and feel boyish like everyone is staring at you to gain weight….I emphasize again…get some curves!

You don’t want to be sweating all through summer and wear nice dresses, skirts, shorts and bikinis….Finding clothes that fit well and aren’t baggy in some areas is hard, you would have so many options with a little bit more weight.

You want to go for lunches/dinners more with friends….restaurants here are easy…you have so many options, if your not that hungry have a salad, if you are really hungry have a big meal. Just listen to what you want, be adventurous, its not the last meal your ever going to eat so not having it ”perfect” ”safe” and the ”same old stuff” isn’t going to matter! Prioritize the conversation, fun with friends and social aspect of the meal and enjoy the food in the meantime…not just think about the food!

Make each day different…recently you have been doing things differently, some days sleeping in, others getting up a bit earlier, eating different meals, different timings and quantities. Its been refreshing!

Stop taking on so many tasks that you loose focus of your PRIORITIES. Tasks such as extra work, extra exersize you don’t need, more jobs, projects, doing things that simply don’t need doing and forgetting about the stuff that does! Be active and busy because you love it but don’t waste time on the un-important things.


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