My whole body is aching, my joints, my skin stinging stretched, head ache, back and to to the bathroom and just feel like sleeping. But strangely…my mind doesn’t feel too bad.
Yesterday a binge hit…again. Although it has been a while since I last had one and Have felt recently that there has been times I actually could of eaten more but a voice somewhere in my head kept me restricting slightly and the compulsive walks persisted. So it was inevitable my bodies way of fighting back to get the nutrients it needs, a binge.
I have been making a food diary lately, trying to focus more on what I want and crave as appose to just calories etc so here it goes (although some days I seemed to miss out..think this wa when i wa in england). I think I lost a bit of weight when in england because through this recovery I have been eating maybe more than what normal sedentary people eat. I am active and with years worth of damage haha so I think i need more than my sister for example.
day 2 intuitive eating.
Did 30squats at home. 10 reps each leg donkey kickbacks and 20 resistance band squats. walked to work and back and around 30mins walking in breaks.
400kals oat meal, protein hot choc and half a protein shake
coffee at work and 3/4 of a small sandwich small bread 75kcal per slice. 2 slices ham serano.
300kcal pasta, 100kcal moarella, 50kcal chicken. tomatoes.
300grams potatoes, 100kcal avocado, 100kcals chicken.
100kcal overnight recovery choc shake.
day 3 intuitive eating.
walked to work and back and around 30mins walking in breaks.
omlette with 1 egg and 1 egg white quinio and peas and a nob of margerine. 350kcals
1 ginger cookie.
50kcal protein hot chocolate.
protein yoghurt small glass of strawberries.
focaccia with 100g chicken, teaspoon of mayo, some peas.
300g sweet potato, 100kcal avocado. 100g chicken, salad.
hot protein chocolate and a ginger cookie.
day 4 intuitive eating.
walked to work and back and around 20mins walking in breaks. walked to the centre after work at 7 and got home around 8.30. so additional 1.15mins or so walking.
kale foccaccia at work for brek at 10.15 am (started early). 100g chicken, peas salad and 3/4 teaspoon mayo and a coffe.
half a protein yoghurt and some strawberries.
300g sweet potato, 100kcal avocado. 100g chicken, salad.
an individual truffle chocolate from box at work with a coffe.
half a small sandwich small bread 75kcal per slice. 2 slices ham serano.
half a small sandwich small bread 75kcal per slice. 2 slices ham serano later on.
big bowl of carrots, butternut squash, peppers, some peas, 100g prawns, spray of olive oil and salad with teaspoon mayo.
Protein yoghurt with strawberries and half an apple.
Options hot chocolate.
4 sets of squats at home. 12 reps each log resistance band donkey kick backs.
walked to the centre to do shopping. took and hour and a half.
did washing and packing for england.
Normal size full bowl of cereal (speacial k kind) with strawberries and skimmed milk.
Coffe with one teaspoon of options hot chocolate.
half a protein shake before workout at home.
carrot foccacia with 100g chicken, teaspoon mayo, peas, paella spices, 50kcal mozarella.
half a banana, halfa protein yoghurt, 2 strawberries tiny bit of pear with a coffe.
malteasers reindear small chocolate.
can of coke zero.
100kcal casien protein shake
half a bananna
a kiwi fruit
300g sweet potatoes, 50g chicken, 50g calamari boiled. small amount of peas and sweetcorn on salad large teaspoon of mayo.
100kcal recovery choc shake.
not weighed portion of oatmeal with water and a little bit of skimmed milk. rasberries on top. casien chocolate shake 100kcal.
1 crumpet with olive margerine and a bit of jam and a malteaser.
went to mercadonna to get small bit of shopping. swept the floors and cleaned mirrors and windowns in my room.
another crumpet with olive margerine and a bit of jam and the rest of the casien shake with coffe.
pasta not weighed but around a mug full cooked. salad, 100g chicken 1/3 avocado.
2 more malteasers and a cup of coffe.
a cup of tea.
a small apple
4 mini toasts,teaspoon mayo and 3 slices of serano ham and 1 large slice of pink ham.
100kcal choc overnight recovery shake.
tonight felt so tired. didnt sleep well and felt hot and cold and dizzy.
woke up really not feeling hungry. slept well last night. slightly nervous for going for team lunch today but not as nervous as normal. kind of more excited for the challenge than the worry. although, buffetts always worry me because i think of the old bullimic binge eating me. I need to realise ive proved time and time again this isnt me now.
2 plain snack a jacks. 1/4 avocado and 50g chicken with salad, sweetcorn and tomatoes.
2 strawberries and around 7 rasberries with a protein yoghurt and a coffe.
lunch at fresco’s. 1 and a medium slices of pizza. around 10 chips, tablespoon of mayo, some salad, around 10 chickpeas, a medium piece of white fish, 2 prawns with around a teaspoon of fidua around 2 table spoons of brown rice, some sweetcorn, 2 small potatoes in mayo salad. small squirt of prozen yoghurt with rasberry suace around 4 teaspoons full. felt super full and lots of energy all day. also slept well the night before.
2 cups coffe and a cup of tea.
9.30 pm dinner at home finished early. around 250kcals potatoes, 50g chicken and smalltin of tuna with salad and a tiny bit of mayo.
went to mercadona this morning because i woke up not v hungry and early. did the chicken cook then did 3 sets each leg donkey kick backs and 3 sets 12 reps of squats, 2 sets resistance band squats 10 reps. Did clothes washing.
pumpkin foccacia, 50g chicken 3/4 teaspoon of mayo, salad, peas, sweetcorn 1 slice of ham. a protein yoghurt, a few straqberries, coffe, half a banana and a ginger cookie. a coffe with a teaspoon of hot chocolate. feeling satisfied but not too full.
Rice, 100kcal avocado, 100g chicken.
a cup of tea
3and a half oat thin cripbreads, teaspoon mayo and 2 large slices of thin ham.
100kcal choc night recovery shake.
half a foccacia carrot bread (half pack one slice of the bread) teaspoon mayo, 50g chicken salad peas and sweetcorn. half a pot of full fat yoghurt,half a protein yoghurt, strawberries, half a kiwi, rasberries medium/large sprinkle of cereal. a small bit of small cho protein bar and a teaspoon of hot choc in coffe. a giner cookie.
an hour after breakfast the other half a foccacia carrot bread with a large slice of ham and teaspoon mayo.
feeling full and satisfied.
half a protein yogurt and half a kiwi.
300g potatoes, teaspoon mayo, 100g chicken and salad.
2 cups of coffe.
1 oat thin crip bread
half a banana and a protein yoghurt.
300kcals pasta with paella spices. 50g chicken, salad, 1 teaspoon mayo.
100kcal choc recovery shake.
up all night in toilet. i need stop drinking all this at night.
feeling like i gained some weight, bit puffy and my bum feels ”juicier” haha. but yesterday was feeling so hungry and felt my self restricting a bit i think. I just kept thinking fooood all day.
3 mini toasts with a teaspoon mayo 1 large slice of thin and and 2 small slices serano with tomato and garlic. half a protein yoghurt with 3 large strawberries. cup of coffe.
300g white potatoes, sall tin tuna, 50g chicken, salad with sweetcorn, pomegrantes and tomatoes, teaspoon olive oil, 2 teaspoons of mayo, mushrooms, brocoli, peas.
was quite a lazy day, watching netflix etc, walked to poble nou then along the beach close to work then back to poble nou.
a coke zero.
a small decaf coffe.
50kcals casien protein and 1/3 choc protein bar -50kcals.
quinioa omlette, 1 whole egg 1 egg white. teaspoon margerine, small75kcalslice of bread, small slice of york ham, 50g chicken, teaspoon mayo, salad sweetcorn and pomegrantes.
half an apple, 1/3 small pear, small spinkle or cereal, teaspoon of full fat yoghurt.
options hot chocolate.
Feeling lacking energy, bit lazy but full and was surprised how yesterday i wasnt really hungry and feeling full and body puffy today also. noticed ive hardly been drinking much water the past few days and more coffe,think i need change this. My bum if feeling a lot fuller these past few days :).
3 linea digestive biscuits 50kcals each. half an apple and some blueberries, protein blueberry yoghurt, 50kcals of casien protein with coffe.
300g spagetti, tomato sauce and mushrooms and peppers, teaspoon mayo, half a slice of york ham, 50g chicken, sweetcorn and salad, a protein yoghurt, a digestive biscuit and a dark choc lindor.
4 ginger cookies, 3 dark chocolate triangle bars, 5 digestives, 1 crumpet with jam and butter, 2 malteasers bunnies, a chia late with milk, a piece of toast with butter and serano, a piece of bread with mayo and york ham, a hot chocolate, 100kcal choc orange cereal bar.
2 digestive biscuits, 1 dark chocolate bar, 1 slice focaccia bread with ham and mayo.
1 slice of foccacia bread with 50g chicken mayo ham and tomato sauce, 1 dark chocolate bar, 2 digestives, half a choc soya milk carton, 1 ginger cookie.
3 digesties 1 dark choc bar.
3 digestive biscuits.
3 digestive biscuits.
3100kcals in binge.
1000 start of the day.
total 4100 today.
Another 1000 kcals in biscuits, yoghurt, toast, crackers with cheese, ham.
5100kcal total aprox.
Feeling uncomfoterable now and appetite is finally gone. Couldn’t possibly eat more. Eyes feeling puffy and swolen and stomach swolen. Feeling like I am thinking clearly and if i wasnt in pain from the stomach being so streched I would feel like running around full of energy. Feeling a little bad but not bad like I used to in the past. Watched a film and really enjoyed it.
So this morning am I restricting or cutting back a little because I ate like a horse yesterday….hell no. This is what got me into this crazy cycle in the first place. So I am getting on with my day, pushing the thought of yesterday to the back of my mind and carrying on just eating when I want, what I want. This is an important thing to reienforce to myself. I need to eat WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT if I want to get through this and prevent my body doing this again. Its not comfortable or fun and the next day if like the worst hangover ever…not from alcohol but its such a similar feeling, your head fuzzy, vision fuzzy and whole body in pain. However, I have had enough hangovers in my life to see this as ”ahh it will pass” kind of day. The biggest pain in the past was the pain of my thoughts. Why have I done this to myself, I can’t cope, I may as well carry on on this path of destruction and either not eat for the next 5 days to compensate or carry on binging to comfort me through this. However, the more I STOP restricting the following days, the more I almost laugh it of and think…haha what a food party and turn my thoughts to positive things like I ate and my body needed that, that helped me get a bit closer to getting better…..the biggest pain is not really there anymore :)!
I also noticed myself thinking clearer last night. I often do have brain waves or appreciate something such as a good film(as i did last night) when I am calming down from a binge like this. Likely due to all the energy my body never normally has to focus on other things and the fact I have had sooo much food that food is the lat thing I then want….the other possible things my brain can think about is almost alien to my brain!
I start thinking about clothes, guys, sex, work….all in a clear and strange way to me. For that little bit of time my brain feels NORMAL. Similar to how it feels when I am drunk. It let goes of the control and thought because that was lost when calories got lost track of…its so refreshing.
So today. I don’t feel scared. I feel physically uncomfortable…but not mentally :). Despite being so stretched I still really fancied a big bowl of oatmeal made with milk, raisons, berries, and a chocolate milk iced coffee and feel fine, happy and satisfied for now :).
Triggers I think make me binge.
-Restricting! Number one and most important!!
-Not being occupied with things to do and being bored.
-Saying no to something I really want.
-Limiting myself on what I can have ie only 1 cookie I am allowed instead of having a satisfying portion and then feeling satisfied.
Eat what you want, when you want.
When you are genuinely not hungry or don’t fancy it…you don’t need to force feed yourself.
Focus my mind on things I love, hobbies, friends, movies, being productive, taking a walk, fun sport etc.