01/03/2019

weigh in today 49kg. Although body fat has gone up to 21% not surprising after the other day. However, I am writing this now to remind myself and keep going and not let this get to me or bring me down. I will not weigh myself for another 2 weeks now and continue the way I have been, with my food diary but not counting macros and calories and listening to my body because this has given me such a spontaneous, positive week that I haven’t worried this little since first starting the re-feeding last august.

I wanted to write today especially to write down a few things while I am thinking clearly again to read back and remind myself if I start loosing focus again.

-This week you have focused and worked your ass of at work. You have come home feeling so proud of yourself like you did a good job.

-Again, you have been laughing more, joking, full of energy. You were even dancing around cleaning the apartment the other day!

-You are less agitated and are able to listen to the conversations properly with friends.

-Anxiety has increased.

-Your body looks softer and you feel more girly and petite.

-Despite not working out for nearly 2 weeks, your bum looks better! I think its just loose skin (which needs fat in it!) that pumps up because of swelling when you work out. If your not eating enough when you do this, your just burning away at muscle anyway.

-When walking to work listening to music you just want to dance in the street.

-You have been so much more productive this week because there is no pressure to workout, rest, food plan and prep.

So, with this being said I wanted to write another list to remind myself of what I want and what my habbits are giving me towards this.

What I want.

To be spontaneous.

To be girly, feminime and wear nice dresses.

To have lots of energy.

To not be anxious and worry.

To have time to do a bigger variety of fun things and be productive with things that need doing.

To try new things, experiences, food and activities.

To feel comfortable around a guy.

To spend more time with friends.

Get my period back so I am ready to start a family in a few years when I meet the right person.

 

What I am doing and what it gives me.

Always having the same food and routine.

Only doing weight training and therefore there is no room for other fun sports because I feel i need to rest to recover.

Going the gym (quit last week) takes up all time in the mornings so can’t be productive and get other things done.

Rush home after work and miss drinks with friends and colleagues to prioritize eating exactly the right amount.

Can’t concentrate at work or in conversations with friends because I am planning the next meal.

Don’t have energy to dance around, laugh as much or be silly.

Don’t meet new people, guys etc because I have to stick to my routine and when I do, my brain can’t appreciate the moment or what they are saying to me because its too busy planning meals and exercise.

 

So its now time to focus on actually what makes me happy, eating what I want, doing sport that I want, so excited for rollerblading with friends hehe, walking in the mountains this weekend after lunch out with Manuela, being spontaneous, prioritizing work, socializing and start living again. I won’t be young forever so for god sake Sally, you have wasted 5 years with this obsession, priority and it has taken YOU away. You see yourself back when you fight back enough and you can see its getting easier to fight in the months you have persisted. Baby steps have been made and yes a couple of relapses, but compared to only 1 year ago….you think so much differently and are beginning to see things more clearly.

Keep going.

 

 


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