The last couple of weeks I have been feeling a lot more relaxed. Around food, life, social situations and just in general.
I think a lot of this has to do with the stress that has been lost from the excessive calorie counting and needing to fit to a plan whether that is restriction or weight gain.
I have just simply ”been” the last couple of weeks. And yeh I have lost a bit of weight but I have been the most relaxed and happiest I have been in a long time.
I think I am getting better at listening to my body in terms of food cravings. Maybe not so much with hunger (as the weight loss has also proven). But I am thinking before preparing meals. What do I actually want (not what i think i ”should” have). And I have been going with this. Today for example I was really craving pancakes. Although as indecisive as i always am couldnt decide what type so i made my pancakes with spelt flour, egg, vanilla soya milk, one with ginger, one with cinamon, one with blueberries and 2 with pure cocao powder. OMG they were amaaazing haha. I forgot (after all this time with an eating disorder) funny how i am actually a blinkin good cook ey haha.
The thought of eating the same every day now almost makes me think how the hell did i do that for so many years.
One thing my therapist said to me yesterday which I have actually been thinking about quite a bit and the words really helped me is that food is food. end of. there is no good food or bad food since the body will use the nutrients in some way or another to all contribute to fueling your body for energy. Yes its right some are more nutritionally dense but if you have something super high in fat and not much else for one meal, that fat is still a key nutrient and your body can utilize that fat in that meal. So I am trying to think more like this about certain foods I see as a ”oh what have i dont ive spoilt everything” moment when i eat a slice of cake or something.
She also suggested bringing in some fear foods to the sessions that we can try together. To be honest I feel pretty fine around almost all food now but still the little bit of fear towards cake (because this used to be my bullimia binge food) is still there. So I am considering taking cakes I think a few times, to the sessions. Baking some, buying some etc. I thought this was a great idea.
Overall I am feeling super optimistic and for the first time in 4 years super excited for summer and not dreading it for getting my body out in lighter clothes.
I am excited for all the possibilities I have and even the thought of being spontaneous with dinners like grabbing a sandwich or tapas after work and socializing doesn’t are me as much anymore. Its like now I am just waiting for the weather to warm up than waiting for me to ”feel ready” hehe.