How life has changed.
Sometimes, it takes me a day like today to realise how much my life has changed, how much I have to be thankful for, how much I have to be proud of to realise…wow.
I don’t often get these moments as much as I used to due to my mind being side tracked by the problems I have an to the most extent create for myself. However, it is the same feelings I got when first moving to Barcelona. The feeling of strength, curiosity, proudness, gratitude and seing beauty through fresh eyes.
Well, today I am having one of theose moments. These often now only come after a binge episode or when I am adequately fueling myself with food each day or do something positive and/or productive. Well this weekend I did all three, so the feeling is pretty strong. I even had a cry after a guy I dated last summer (who I also broke up with because I needed space to focus on my issues) asked me am I better and how I was feeling. I then sat and chatted, cried and laughed a little with Nuria.
I have cleaned my room, had a nice long shower and feel refreshed, washed away feelings of sadness and feel fresh to move on with the day.
I feel I have changed so much since last summer and as the sun is starting to come out again and spring is finally coming, its making me reflect on this a lot. Although I have had a few slip backs I need to keep reminding myself that this takes time and it helps to write to realise these sometimes.
I would weigh every single bit of food. Nothing would go un weighed.
Every single calorie would count.
I would never go over 1650Kcals if i hadnt worked out and never about 1900 if I had worked out.
I would always prioritize protein.
Eating outside of the house would never happen. Lunches with friends, resturants, I would plan it all if it needed to happen.
If I ate more on one day, I would also then cut the following days.
If I binged, they next 5-7 days I would eat tiny amounts of food until i had lost the weight plus some extra.
I would obsessively go for walks to ensure any calories were burnt.
I would do weight training 2-3 times a week regardless of if y muscles were still killing me from the days before.
I would NEVER eat high fat foods such as avocado, cheese, cake etc.
I am consistently eating at least 1750Kcals but I have found these days I am still hungry and I think this is more habbit than listening to the higher amounts I actually need. I think I feel best when I am having around 1900kcals and being sedentary.
If I feel hungry, I am eating something like fruit or some biscuits as appose to protein shakes.
I am not stressing out if I can’t walk and only really walk for enjoyment or because I need to.
I am not working out.
I am eating randomly. What my body craves I have and listening to this more Not trying to substitute what I am craving for a lower calorie substitute because I know now that eventually I will end up eating more because I didn’t give my body what it wanted when it wanted it.
I am not weighing all food.
I don’t weight myself any more than once every 2 weeks.
I am going for lunches with friends and eating more socially.
What I need to work on going forward.
Not sometimes questioning if i should have the snack or not. Sometimes (especially the last week) I have been hungry but not having the snack despite having brain fog, because I was worried that it would add up to too much and wanted to save myself for a bigger dinner. I think this is what has lead to the binge yesterday because by the time dinner coes around, I ddidnt even want to eat the massive amount of calories I had saved up and went hungry in the day for.
Continuing to try more foods and recipes.
Having more fats.
Focus more on sleep and relaxation.
Stop watering down drinks and milk as I am still doing this.
Eating how I want to eat for now and long term.
Being productive, social, being outside in the nature.
Testing new resturants.
I am ready to start again. The life I always wanted here in Barecelona was one where I was free with food, free from an eating disorder, with spanish friends, my very own home, speaking the language, a job i enjoyed, meeting new people and being independant.
Yet, this whole time I didn’t realise what I had created.
I have a beautiful home with my best friend who is catalan, some of the funniest most amazing friends here, a job i actually loveee and look forward to going to work, every day i wake up in this city and there is so much opportunity to enjoy the nature, city, parties, meeting new people etc, I am speaking spanish, I love and enjoy the food here.
So whats left? I have found everything I ever wanted here. But in the process, lost me a bit along the way. Although this last year I have been coming back. So I just need to stay strong, keep fighting this and remember how much I have already achieved. Life is not perfect and it never will be. But having as much happiness and positive things around me, I need to realise that I am capable of doing things, creating a life for myself and being who I want to be in all apects of my life so why should this one be any different to the rest.