This week. Wow. 🙂
I have been watching a new girl on youtube, i can relate to her sooo much.Shes english, has also had this problem for years like me, has also been in recovery around a year, similar to me, and everything shes says im like omg…you are me haha. So I can really relate to her and although the other youtube recovery videos i was following really helped me get to this stage, i think she is helping me progress into more ”normal” habbits and thought processes. Not the extremes of the re-feeding stages which I know at the time to get to a ”safe” weight i needed to go through initially.
Megsy Recovery is what I am following now.Shes also been through re-feeding and is at a ”safe” weight but now just has to maintain and gain a little more and get her fears, obsessions, counting, compensating, anorexia mind worked on..like me.
This week thinking of some of the things i have been watching through her channel, one thing she repeats a lot is ”live the life you want to live”. Another thing my therapist said is why do i always feel the need for ”ill do then or be this and have this life…when i get to this, ie when i am weight restored, when i dont have an anorexic mindset anymore etc etc”. No, both of these influences are telling me….why and what am I waiting for the start living. So last week I decided to think deeply of how i want to live my life and came up with this.
-Not weighing food.
-Not counting calories and macros.
-Eating what I fancy at the time.
-Not planning meals so much and yeh maybe have an idea what i want for dinner or prepare a packed lunch for work, thats normal. But not planning the whole week cutting thinking so I can test myself with a slice of cake at the weekend and not have a panic attack.
-Stop needing my food, drinks and eating situations to be perfect all the time.
-To be spontaneous.
-Not to have panic attacks if i eat too much or too little.
-To enjoy meals out with friends and drinks.
-To have meals and alcohol together. This is something I would never do because its like double the calories.
-Not have fear foods and be able to eat based on what i like taste wise, what is good for me and what i crave.
-Not live focused on numbers.
-Not worry that i am out the house and dont have safe food in my bag in case i get so hungry or dizzy.
-Not have to know the restaurant and everything on the menu to pre plan what ill have to work it into the calorie limit.
So, last week I started living this life and what a week its been.
All week at work i made meals i fancied. Some days pasta, others potatoes with salad chicken etc, other days sandwiches. Dinners I was usually tired so most days just had a sandwich but also couple of days vegetables, prawns salad etc. Breakfast have been pretty sweet this week haha two days of pancakes, 2 days oatmeal and another day my egg quinoa omelette with fruit on the side. Also snacks at work usually chocolate biscuits in the afternoon, fruit and yogurt in the mid afternoon before lunch. and coffes. No watering down milk either.
But the biggest change was this weekend.
Nuria had a pizza friday night but had finished before i got home. I fancied a pizza so the next day i had a large slice from dulce slices (they do big slices of pizza so its like half a medium sized pizza portion). I had it for lunch with chicken salad also and was yummy. Just what i was craving. Then fruit and protein yogurt with coffe made with water and choc soya milk after.
Then i had another protein yogurt with fruit before Edu picked me up to go for a drink. We were in the car and he said…”want to go a sushi restaurant” my anorexic brain kicked in for all of about 10seconds then SALLY shouted up Yep why not! After I said it i was actually surprised at myself but thinking wooo go sally and shut that bitch up haha. We asked Nuria along to and OMG ive been missing out on this stuff so long. The sushi was amazing. Not like the packet stuff you see in shops, this restaurant was so nice. We had around 8 pieces of sushi each and they were quite bigger than shop bought ones so 8 was a nice portion.
Then today i thought…i am feeling on a roll. I knew nuria wanted to try my pancake recipe this morning which im now obsessed with (now so is she haha) so I had another recipe i wanted to try. Banana ice cream and chocolate brownie muffins.
Banana ice cream omg were both in shock. Freeze a banana over night then take it out the freezer for 15mins blend, add some vanilla flavoring and wow its like hargandarz i couldn’t believe it haha.
The muffins i made with avocado 1/3 of one. 1 egg, around 70ml chocolate soya milk just poured not measured till i got the right consistency, and spelt flour i think around 100g. teaspoon or a little more of bicarbonate of soda and some cinnamon. Wow these were so nice too. However, since there was no sugar i think next time need add a little more stevia, some sugar or will try with a banana :). But even so, they were so yummy.
Then for lunch, i got a bit courageous (since were on a roll) haha and was going to ask nuria if she wanted to try erepas (a Venezuelan thing) from a local restaurant to take away for lunch, but she had already started making her lunch so i thought next time. But then i made pumpkin and ginger noodles with loads of vegetables, soy sauce with a side chicken salad with mayo. OMG was sooo nice too. And i tried again with the chop sticks but nope im hopeless haha.
This weekend was me living how I want to live. Not sticking to ”safe” foods and trying new recipes i have had in my head for so long. Not going crazy and feeling i need to eat soo much in this quest to gain weight but just not ever stopping myself when i want something. So I don’t feel guilty, stuffed, sick, but my cravings are all met.
I also havent weighed myself in the longest ive gone without in years! will be close to 3 weeks next week. This is helping because i do feel a little softer and like i may have gained some weight but hey…this is the life i want to live. I dont want to be paranoid restricting living for numbers forever. So I will go another week not weighing myself.
My stress and anxiety is coming down massively as well. Because im not living to rules like i was before last week, theres not the pressure to panic if i break a rule…because there are no rules! haha.
Another thing i made a conscious effort to stop this week which initially i found quite hard but the compulsive walking laps of the office on breaks. If i didn’t have at least 3 laps of the office i would panic that i hadn’t burnt enough calories. The last few days i just did one walk to see the see and i then sat down next to the harbor as appose to ignoring the beauty of the sea and boats and marching ahead thinking calories. It was lovely. So this will continue.
Sweeteners as well. I set the target of 4 max per drink/coffe this week and in work i did it every day. No more than 4 sweeteners. And you know what, it was actually ok :). At home i think ive had around 5 per drink but still….i will bring that down but from the usual 10 with every single drink and topping up the drinks atleast twice…i think i was having around 70 artificial sweeteners EVERYDAY for around 2 years. This cant be good for me but was a way to curb my appetite. Now this last week ive has around 21. (yeh i have around 3 coffes at work, 1 at breakfast and a hot drink before bed. Hopefully the summer coming will also help this since i wont want much hot drinks anymore.
On average have been having around 1900kcals a day on very sedentary days just walking to work and not moving at home, in the evening and sat at desk minus the walks around the block all breaks.
this weekend, no idea because ive not been counting.Can only guess at the week what i just said above too because i havent really been counting. but when i feel my concentration dropping, i think…is this because i could be hungry, i eat and normally snap im back in the room. Because my stomatch never tells me and when i used to listen to this was back in the day i would eat a banana a day and nothing else because if my tummy wasnt grumbling..how could i be hungry. I ignored the head fog, dizziness etc. No. Not now. I am listening to all forms of my body telling me it needs food. Cravings, loosing concentration, getting anxious, tummy signals (although these are rare still).
I want to be able to have a normal snack and not get home dying before dinner because i am saving up calories. Its these times just before i leave work where i am close to passing out and walk home like im on the race to the fridge i end up turning down the chance to walk home with a friend (not that this can happen often but sometimes friends suggest meeting me after work) or having a quick drink in the office or even just enjoying the walk home. I can’t eanjoy it if feel close to passing out.
So I am continuing with ”living the life i want to live” no pressure or race to any destination on ”when i get to this weight” ”when i am more curvy” ”when i have my period back”…i can do this….
No, today my life starts and continues living how i want to live today, tomorrow and for the future.
Free from obsessions, compensations, being a mathematician, letting people down, putting anorexia before my friends, family, fun, health, life and MY PERSONALITY SALLY.
Excited, scared, curious, feel like putting two fingers up to her and saying…I am homeee so move over bitch.