Ok so after 3 weeks not weighing myself, not calorie counting (although my brain always does an estimate at the end of the day of habit) trying to do opposite actions as much as I can ie if a voice tells me no, wait until tomorrow or don’t have a little bit of chocolate….going and doing the opposite, being sedentary other than the necessary walking I need to do and within my comfort zone of living the life I want to live….I weighed myself today to check I am still on track and 47.6KG…seriously? I have lost again and really wasn’t expecting this.
However, although my stomach is quite obviously out of wack when it comes to telling me when to eat, I have noticed quite a few other things which looking at this now were clearly signs that I was simply ignoring.
Its heating up here in Barcelona, yet the last few weeks I have started to feel so cold again. I have even got out my hot water bottle again after not using it for a couple of months and even now sat in my apartment in a blanket, hot coffe and my dressing gown while people are on the streets in light jackets and the tourists in tshirts haha. I have also been sleeping terribly for 2 weeks. I put this down to not feeling too well lately, I had a bit of a cough but this is also a massive side effect of restriction. I have not been feeling as ”sally” as I have been recently. Its hard to explain but almost like my personality has simmered down a little again, anxiety has increased a lot and I am hearing the ED thoughts creeping up more frequently.
So, with anorexia getting sneaky with me leading me down this path subconsciously…I am going to get sneaky back by adding secret high calorie ingredients that don’t take a battle in my head against the ED voice which often wins.
I know that when I have the energy, a higher weight and am properly fueled I think more clearly. For this reason this is why the weight restoration process is often recommended (at least until a safe weight if not fully weight restored) before psychology since your brain needs to be straight for this. However, I feel without the treatment I am getting now and without all the help I receive online that I would constantly be in the quasi recovery that I need to break out of.
Just to note I have been having around 1850kcals on work days being completely sedentary and around 2000 each day of the weekend just doing things like writing reading, cooking, cleaning, meeting friends out for a coffee, walking around the shops, sushi dinner last week and a night out with alcohol the weekend before dancing etc.
So, if you have also read earlier posts about calorie counters you will know that these are completely useless and this re-confirms this point.
The key is listening to your body, cravings, but not just from the perspective that we often focus in on ie if my stomach is rumbling…ok i better go and eat…no. The other symptoms, your body is more than just your stomach and has a whole network and way of sending signals to you. I am focussing now on getting in tune with these other signals.
Desire to spend time with friends and socialize.
Thoughts always on food.
Do I want to sing and dance on my walk to work when my favourite song comes on my headphones…?
As crazy as this last one sounds, this is actually a big one for me. Once of the things I love to do is sing and dance and often find when I am eating above 2000 Kcals a day I have this sudden urge to sing and dance around haha….crazy I know. But when I am below this amount, its like I loose complete interest, the song will play and yeh I listen but emotions don’t kick in, my desire to move is non existent and as I know now from research this is my bodies way of conserving energy. If there is not enough energy coming in then why is it going to waste any on dancing and singing!
Your bodies only focus is to keep you alive and will allocate energy to the most important things. This is why so many of us including myself loose their period. I have not had a period in 4 years and will literally throw a party the day I get it back haha. But making babies is not going to save your life, like with singing and dancing. So be proud of your body and thank it for doing an amazing thing on the little energy you are giving it and putting those calories to what it needs to do to fight for you.
So, with some sneaky plans up my sleeve (higher fat products, extra spoons of mayo and adding extras in my coffee) I am persisting with the ”live the life I want to live” ”food is just food” ”All food is good food and will help me and nourish me in the nutrients that is has”….mentality hehe…I am keeping on for hopefully another 3 weeks of not stepping on the scale and really trying this time to stay in tune with the other signals.