So yesterday as advised by my psychologist, I wrote my declaration. I promise, a commitment that I will stick to no matter what. And today, sticking with the promises I made yesterday and have started today, it has helped take some of the decisions away from me and the persuasion of the voice in my head telling me what I am doing is wrong.
Its my declaration to stick to a minimum amount of food as stated on the declaration, my commitment to recovery, some of the compulsions, habits, tricks and strategies to be dropped that are halting my recovery and I am determined to stick to the promise I have made.
I am also feeling more motivated than ever since I feel I have the support I have needed for so many years. We are connected via an app now and I need to log every meal, snack, feeling, thought, physical feeling and mental and she is watching my every move. With messages sent daily, this is helping me so much.
Although I have known tricks I have done for so long like drinking myself full of watered down milk, coffees with excessive 0 kcal sweeteners added, bulking my meals up with salad and vegetables to feel I am eating more than I am, this app looking back and seeing in photos exactly what I have eaten and the feelings around them I am also noticing certain things about what I am doing and how my body has coped under these circumstances for so many years is beyond me.
The last session I had with my therapist, I almost felt like crying out of realization how much I have been hurting and punishing myself for so long and that even though I have done nothing but hurt it, my body has fought back to ensure I could carry on despite what I was putting it through.
This realization of what your body is actually capable of to ensure your survival almost gave me an out of body experience of pride in myself. Gratefulness for not giving up on me and adapting my body to allocate the energy it was given to the most important things to keep me functioning. Although, functioning is not a life to be living.
The only thing more scary about gaining weight to me now is staying the same forever. A life focused around food, weight and fear, never changing.
I have faced challenges this week such as eating a lunch outside the house that wasn´t´t planned, sticking to my 200kcal snack this evening when all thoughts were saying no save the calories for when you need them, baking a small cake every day for 1 week! (although made from healthy ingredients the first was terrifying) now I am feeling less scared. But as discussed with Krysta (my therapist) the thoughts have told me tomorrow tomorrow for 4 years. But tomorrow never comes. So today I am saying today.
I have my declaration pinned on my wall and will stick to it every day regardless of my thoughts, fullness and what anorexia tells me to do.
In some weeks time this declaration will be re-assessed along with all the results from the app I am being tracked on to see how things can move forward further.