Its been a good week. Emotional at times. So many laughs. Times i have felt crying. But I have been feeling a lot more in touch with my emotions again this week. I felt my thoughts slipping back in to numbness over the last month or so as I was restricting again but didn’t even realize it until this last few days where I have increased what I am eating again.
Not only this, I have had the ”throw the rule book out the window”and ”you only live once stop wasting time” thoughts running around in my head this last week.
Things I would always avoid. Eating outside of the house, having more alcohol, going out without a plan to meetup events, saying yes to all plans friends ask me and not making calculations and plans in my head revolving around food. I have just thought screw it the last few days haha. I am done with existing. I want to start living again.
The last week I have had so much fun, even met two girls one from france and one from cheshire! I dont have any english friends here…and to be honest i prefer it that way and being friends with the catalans here, i love them. But to meet people from other places also and speaking with the english girl was a refreshing change. But If I had of done my usual go home to eat dinner so I can calculate and control it…I would of missed this opportunity.
Last week was the first time i got a big slice of pizza for dinner with a friend at night. I tested this on my own in the past, but never with a friend, let alone a girl i just met that same night. Now the thought doesn’t scare me. Nor does eating outside the house since I have tested this around 4 times in the last 2 weeks. Still need to test more and with lunches and also restaurants…not just pizza slices and sandwich shops haha. But were getting there.
As a constant reminder to myself I have my promise my therapist made me do on my mirror so I see it every day and reminds me what I committed to.
However, as a stronger reminder, I bought something that everytime i look at it now it reminds me not to worry and what i am doing is right. I bought a newborn baby top and pink new born socks. So now these along with a little bit of womanly lingerie is hanging on my mirror with the promise.
Hahaha god knows what anyone walking into my room will think. But thats another reminder that i put these three things together. I don’t open up much with men because of how self conscious I am about my skinny child like body. So the lingerie is a reminder more of being confident with myself as a woman and women have curves, fat and this is normal natural and what I need.
Both of these things will never come if I don’t continue with this, so seeing them everyday reminds me how to carry on with the new day.
Upping the challenge with the cakes this week. Bought a pack of two medium sized NORMAL muffins haha. Not my super healthy stevia no calorie superfood substitutes for muffins. I had a snack today and considered having one but I just didn’t fancy it. I am a bit hungover from last night and tummys not feeling to great. So i had some bread ham and a chocolate soya milkshake instead :). But the muffins are still there and i’m not freaking out. I am starting to trust myself more. Enjoying what I want when I fancy it and not eating it when I dont want to.
As my therapist said…no food is bad food. All food has nutrients and energy, some more than others. But if you are craving a piece of cake thats fine! Your body will use the fat and carbs for energy and for other vital things your body needs dietry fat for! Your cravings will balance out and its about being intuitive listening to what you want, having everything and anything you want, when you want it.
So now, I look at my diet and with the exception of a few rituals left such as hot chocolate before bed, thing are getting more random by the day.
I tend to keep my lunches simple for work because I don’t need to spend hourse making masterpieces every day, so a normal portion of pasta, potatoes or rice (300/350kcals) 2 teaspoons full fat mayo and 100g chicken and salad. this tends to be same every day. But breakfasts, I rarely have the same twice in a week. Pancakes, cereals, sandwich, quinoa omlette, fruit and yoghurt, oatmeal etc 🙂 I have more time in the morning so can thin what I want. And dinner, usually I cant be bothered cooking, but something cold like sandwiches, crisps, fruit and yoghurt, or if i have potatoes or pasta extra, something like this cold with salad, chicken or something.
Snacks are my biggest challenge at the moment, because I feel i’ve pretty much cracked it when it comes to atleast eating 3 normal meals, I worry that if my snacks are too much then i won’t enjoy a dinner or will end up having too much. But I need to have snacks and listen to how much my body needs. I am coming to the realization that if I dont have min 1900-2000 kcals a day then I loose weight and i am not me. I am anxious, don’t sleep as well, always stressing about food and worrying and i change. When i go over this and am at 2100 I am almost a different person, its mad. Just a small amount how it changes how I am and feel.
So I am committing to this new amount now through the week and being spontaneous with what I fancy and challenges at the weekend.
Lets see how it goes.