1 step back..2 steps forward

I have been reflecting recently on how far I have come over the last year.

Things I used to feel/do/find impossible/terrifying 1 year ago.

excessive walking. I would walk until feeling starving and hungry and would get so anxious and worried if i felt i couldn’t do the ritual walks.

Count calories exactly and never go over the limit i set.

Need to weight train atleast 2-3 days a week eating 1850Kcals max on workout days providing i walked extra to the gym. Eating 1650Kcals non workout days with the thought this is me bulking to gain muscle weight.

Save up calories for dinner then more often than not settle for something like a salad when it came to dinner.

Walk home feeling dizzy because I was saving for dinner.

Restrict all day in the weekend for the fear of extra calories from drinking at night.

Never have alcohol if not to give me energy for a club and dance it off.

So many fear foods.

Never eat ”bad” food such as pizza or pasta at night. Only lentils, salad or something similar.

Always buy the lowest calorie/fat product.

So many more i could keep listing.

Check my body and pinch ”fat” so many times a day.

Check my body in all reflective things i walked past.

 

How things have changed.

I hardly ever walk for the need of excersize now. I walk to work and back 2 very short 5 min walks at work to stretch my legs and thats it during the week. At the weekends I am usually completely sedentary until after lunch (unless i go shopping). Then usually ill meet friends and may walk around to do things but if they suggest just going to a bar or watching a film…i don’t get anxious and think fine that sounds fun. I feel i will eat when im hungry and theres no excersize/calorie target as much as there used to be.

I havent weight trained since the start of the year. I occasionally do some resistance band training for 10 minutes, maybe once a week. haha. But i often forget! I can’t believe i can forget or be too lazy for something that used to rule my life.

I still count calories. Mainly to ensure i am getting enough. But if i go over a bit or slightly under also, i don’t freak out like i used to.

I still occasionally save up calories. This is something I want to work more on. Although I am so used to doing it, i actually don’t know sometimes what is habbit to eat and what actually is hunger/fullness. Although i always have an evening snack now even if its just a small bit of fruit. (today was malteasers though) :).

I don’t restrict much on the weekends now. However, its not often i go out for dinners still so this will be a challenge not to when this option comes up. If i wake up late, i will still sometimes have a smaller breakfast so i feel i can have a big lunch. ie 300kcals for break and 700 for lunch.

most weekends now i have an afternoon day drink on sat or sun πŸ™‚ normally a vodka and coke or two around 6-8pm πŸ™‚

Ive eaten pizza at night around 4/5 times in the last two months :)…nothing bad happened haha. My dinners are always full meals now. Pasta salad, sandwiches with fruit and yoghurt, pizza occasionally, vegetables and bread chicken etc. Normally always with a desert like fruit and yoghurt and something sweet.

I started buying full fat milk again this week. I plan to use it as my weight gain tool while trying to keep my diet less stressful for weight gain. Ie drinking the extra calories and keeping my daily food what i want, how much i want, balanced and not to create unnecessary stress wondering where to add bits for calories or how i will feel eating more etc.

I also went to england last week and felt bit ill coming back. I have been feeling these last few weeks so motivated and felt this is my chance to try and gain weight again and actually enjoy foods i havent had for a long time and make the most of the time with family. So I let go completely and wowww did i eat. around 5000kcals on the last day…but you know what…my stomach didnt feel great but i didnt feel worried or that guilty. Another thing i have changed is restriction after binges. If i used to have a binge or a lot of food, I would always restrict the next days. Instead now i really listen to my appetite. Although even after binges I still crave around 1200kcals the following days and this gradually increases up to around 1850 or so by the end of the week.

After eating more than i have in so many years the last few weeks, I am gradually seeing some changes in my body, which to be honest i am starting to look a hell of a lot better! Although still no period, my legs still feel out of balance and ache a lot especially in my joints recently, I still lack energy or feel anxious and pre-occupied with food very often and know i need to keep going.

But as the more time goes on, its taking a step back to see how far i have come and how i am getting closer to my goal.

I never thought i would think it, but all this restriction, the past excessive walking, being anti social, avoiding social situations…is getting boring. I sometimes feel I can’t be bothered any more and just can’t wait for my mind to catch up and start being able to think more clearly about other things not weight loss, gain, recovery, calories, maintaining weight, what will happen if…etc etc.

 

 

 

 


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