I am writing this blog as a way to look back and see how far I have come and also hopefully be able to help others the way reading some of the inspirational recovery blogs have helped me.
For around 6 years I have been in a whirlwind of a terrible eating disorder. This disorder has grown with me, adapted, involved and been a big part of my life, relationships and dominated my mind and actions for years.
In the start it was different. Binge eating, purging, starving. It then involved in to starvation and excessive excersizing. Now it has ivolved further into an obsessive fitness and strict calorie counting obsession which still dominates my life.
Nothing passes my lips without a million pre-thoughts. First I estimate the calories doing multiple calculations in my head. Then calculate how many ive burnt in the day, how much protein ive had, how much more I need. The calories I have time to burn left in the day if I eat it, how I will feel after i’ve eaten it and will I need to cut to compensate for it tomorrow. What plans do I have tomorrow, will I be able to cut or do I need to go to a place with a friend that I will feel obligated to eat with them.
I hate my body. I don´t feel like a woman anymore. I look at the girls in work, on the street in gorgeous dresses I would love to wear. The way guys look at them.
Although I hate my body and feel boyish, weak, deprived of energy and my muscles and joints constantly aching, I continue to do this to myself, why?
An obsession of only gaining muscle and no fat has been the problem for the last 2 years. I want to get healthy and feel this can only be achieved by gaining muscle. I recently read that when you have abused your body like this for so long, the body needs to first repair the damage you have done and gain fat to protect itself before muscle can start to develop. Could this explain why for two years I´ve been gradually eating more and more and still…no relief in muscle soreness, no more muscle…no more weight. If anything I look worse than when I began weight training even though now I´m eating so much more.
I have also recently started therapy sessions for Anorexia and eating disorders. Although, I feel like I do more talking than the therapist since she doesn´t speak well english (I live in spain). Although it is good to get some things of my chest sometimes.
So. I´ve decided to do something I´ve not yet tried. To simply gain weight. Eat for health. Give my body the tools it needs to grow stronger and healthy again. To gain my life back. My energy. My health. My hobbies. My laughs.
So. Today I start my self healing. Eating for health, trying to cure my body and my mind to clear this illness from my thoughts and stop it ruining my life and health.
I will be trying new things. Testing myself. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Listening to my body and giving it what it needs. Not regularly weighing myself. Once every 1-2 weeks is more than enough to check I am still gaining and staying on track.
I will be writing a weekly update blog to share my progress, thoughts, difficulties and things I´ve achieved and learned during this process so that hopefully through what i’ve learnt through so many mistakes, lessons and experiences over the years dealing with this that hopefully other people going through this can feel they are not alone. They can do it. All you need is be brave, take the step, make the decision to change your life and health and you will fly :).