My inspiration. The start of it all. 9th August 2016.
For years I have been the type of person with a head filled with ideas, dreams and plans that one day, someday out of somewhere I might find the courage, determination and enough belief in my own capabilities to make those hopes and dreams a reality. For years I would doubt myself, give up when things got tough, when stress would take over and dark feelings of depression and hopelessness would comsume my mind, changing my intire out look on life and my relationships. I would always turn to the same coping mechanisms that had failed time and time again and sunk me down further in to a state of desperation for my life to change. I was loosing control and belief in my abilities to cope. Everyday I would put a smile on my face, locking away my true feelings deep inside, hoping that one day they would just fade away and this lonely feeling helplessness would be a distant nightmare of a memory. I had developed an eating disorder.
Envious of other peoples thoughts of where to go on holiday this year, what to wear this weekend, what to buy my friend for her birthday, the simple, everyday thoughts which comsume our everyday life. My mind was so consistntly prioritised with worry, planning and fear of failure all revolving around food and my ultimate goal of avoiding failure and slipping into to a night of self destruction. By the constant fear of social situations where there may be food which I knew would send me back down this slipery track and back to square one, I found myself prioritising eating over everything. It quickly became a deeply instilled habit, one which I thought I would never overcome. The mind is a powerful and complicated thing which can push you to do the most inspirational amazing things if you let it, or in my case it was in a mode of self destruct.
January 2014 was the month in which this crazy nightmare of a year began, progressivly getting worse and worse as the months past. It was only when it started to effect my job that I felt ‘I need to fix this’. Books, online support, telephone lines, friends and family I tried it all. All would soften and simmer down the destructive feelings of panic temporeraly, all to come back a few days later stronger and more intense than the last. Until I decided to truely open up to one special person. Someone I envied for her seemingly constant possitive outlook on life. Someone who didn’t let her worries and things of no importance stand in the way of what really matters. A person that instead of offering sympathy alone, offered empathy and inspiring solutions which until now I never thought were achievable. This person is my sister.